S O U L O N G I N G S *Indian Diaries #2*

*The Soul speaks the Language of Flowers*

When I look back I realize that

for most part of my life,

I have been hiding away from my self

I have been feeling less of,

ashamed

depressed

Without obvious reasons

I have been feeling like

walking on eggshells

My nervous system coudn’t relax

Especially when I was around people

That could potentially judge me

My body felt contracted

My emotions too much to feel

The world unsafe

My mind

Incessantly

Comparing

Judging

Self- attacking

Self- victimizing

What I hadn’t realised back then

Is that I was caring inherited behaviours of my ancestors

I was carrying the pain of many generations before me

And especially my grandmothers’

That I adored

I was carrying the voices of my caregivers

That I made my own

I was carrying the fear of public embarassment

In case I would dare to be different or raise my voice

The fear of being too outspoken, too wise, too beautiful

I was carrying the projections of others

I was carrying the witch wound.

I was carrying the experience of past abusement

Of previous lifetimes

I was afraid to tell my myself that I am beautiful

That I am loveable exactly as I am.

And I would cringe before other women so they don’t feel threatened

I would abandon myself to please others

I would choose unavailable partners

I would play small

Until one day I couldn’t hold it any longer

I went on a spiritual quest

I started searching for ways to alleviate my pain

I went to ashrams and searched for spiritual masters

I started wearing white and chanting mantras all day long

Although a part of me was content

To receive validation for my devotion

For being a good girl

The wild woman inside me was feeling betrayed

yet again in another prison

I felt I wanted to break free from everything

any teachings that were coming from outside

I started listening to my emotions

I sat with my fear

I met my own darkness

I embraced my own death

I realised how much I had suppressed my wild nature

The wild beast

Longed to run free

Longed to be recognised

Longed to be integrated

My healing begun

When I

Stopped running away from my darkness

My dance became my teacher

My dance would lead me to my pleasure

My dance would set me free

My dance helped me reclaim my birthright

To enjoy life

To become sensually alive

To become intimate with all my parts

I started remembering the language of the Feminine

My capacity to relax

My capacity to receive

My capacity to feel deeply

My capacity to become the authority of my own life

Shedding the past programming

I started trusting my own wisdom

I started trusting my inner fire

And I remembered that I didn’t have to beg any longer

I remembered that inside me I was carrying the most exquisite flower

The one of my own Soul

photo by Barroco_Tribal